You broke up with a man, but instead of feeling free, painfully miss him? You can’t think about anything and about anyone else, read your correspondence with him, review joint photos, listen to his favorite music or compositions reminiscent of the time that you spent together? Family psychologist, expert in the field of relations, Alexander Shakhov, tells what to do in such cases.

“You feel what you think. Do not try to control emotions directly – it’s useless. As Kucher controls horses with the help of reins and feelings, we control with the help of thoughts, ”explains psychologist Alexander Shakhov. – Continuing to think about a person means to continue to feel.

Folk wisdom “out of sight – out of the heart” requires explanation. “From Eye -down” means to stop not only to see a person in the literal sense of the word, but also to represent, to remember. Most likely, now you are scrolling in your head a “movie”, consisting of the moments of the past and fantasies that everything would be different if … continuing to do this, you yourself will pierce yourself a dagger right in your heart ”.

What to do? Make a decision. The main reason why you are still in the past – you did not dare to live on without this person and amuse yourself with the hope that it can still change … “What if he sees how long I have been waiting for him, and inflames with love?”

“False hope, illusion, self -deception – this is the cause of suffering. More recently, it seemed that happiness is so close, it is possible, and now it is very difficult to abandon attempts to reach him. These are brain games “.

To understand how to abandon them, consider such an example. You know how monkeys catch in India? A small hole is made in a hollow pumpkin and poured into sweets. The animal sticks a paw inside, there is enough treat, but cannot stick out a fist from a narrow hole, but does not want to unclench the paw, because it will lose the prey.

Having decided to leave a dream of inconsistent happiness in the past, it is important to confirm the choice made every day

“We have an inner monkey – our subconscious. It falls into the same trap. Some have continued for years to clamp in a fist of grains of happiness, which they cannot use. It is difficult to make a decision, but this is our choice: to hold on to which there is no use, and suffer – or to unclench a fist, let go and go further look for love, ”the psychologist comments.

Getting rid of feelings is to get rid of thoughts about a partner with whom you have not developed. This is not easy, and the first step is to make a decision. “There is no magic tablet, having drunk which you can get rid of pain, in psychology. Yes, and in medicine too: most drugs relieve symptoms, and does not treat the cause. And the task is to deal with it “.

Having decided to leave in the past dreams of unrealizable happiness and building a happy life, it is important to confirm the choice made every day. It doesn’t happen that we once decided to suddenly quit smoking – and immediately “how it cut off”. The temptation to drag on will visit us again and again, and each time it is necessary to confirm your decision “I do not smoke” and put off a cigarette.

“With thoughts about a partner, the same. As soon as you want to dream, remember, write, look at the page on social networks, you need to stop and remind yourself of your choice “out of sight – out of my heart”: “I left it in the past, I go ahead”. You will say: to say something easy, but how not to think? This is really difficult: this person occupied the lion’s share of your thoughts – which means that you need to understand how to fill the void that is inevitably formed ”.

These can be thoughts about you, about your future, about hobbies, development, communicating with friends, new acquaintances. When a painful gap occurs, many are locked at home, narrowing the circle of communication and interests. In a situation of the absence of new incentives, the brain will certainly return to the past, which means that through force it is necessary to force itself to go out and communicate. More new incentives and impressions – fewer thoughts about the past. The result of a conscious training will be the ability to switch thoughts.

Technique “Stop, negativity!”

As a rule, in our heads – a real cycle of thoughts, and it can be quite difficult to track “harmful”. That is why various meditation and techniques for observing their own mind are so popular. True, not all of them are effective.

“I have been looking for effective equipment for ten years and finally found the one that helps me personally quickly relax, calm down, take control of thoughts and perfectly trains concentration,” Alexander Shakhov shares.

Here is this technique:

1. Select and write one negative thought on the sheet that visits you especially often.
2. On the back of the sheet, write down the thought that can be replaced.
3. Install a timer (for example, on the phone) for 30 seconds, look at a negative wording, think about it.
4. When the timer signal sounds, say aloud: “Stop, negativity!”, Turn the sheet, set the timer for 2 minutes and read, think, repeat a positive thought (you can even compose a story or song with it).

What can be replacement thoughts? Instead of “I am alone” you can think “I have friends who love me”, and “a man left me” to replace me with “a meeting with my life is waiting

for me ahead”.

In order for negative thoughts to be replaced positive, you need to perform the exercise daily for 21 days without passes. If you missed, start everything over. By led one thought, you can proceed to the next. And so one after another. Step by step. And, believe me, each new step will be given you easier.